I have been tossing something over in my brain since Friday because I wanted to chew on it up there first. I think I am ready now to magnetically store it on cylinder sector heads. Husband says that is the digital equivalent of "put it down on paper".
I didn't write much about how I felt Friday while The Professor was being poked and prodded other than being grateful for the way things worked out. I was very grateful for the quick work of my pediatrician's staff and the one open time slot that we slipped into. I was grateful that the Doc listened to my concerns and did his best to try to put The Professor at ease. I was grateful for the "sanity curtain" that when perfectly placed, prevented my brave boy from seeing exactly what was being done to this appendage that was now swollen and numb. How I wish they had one for Mom as well!
Back at home, while I recounted the events to Husband and explained the dressing procedure for the next two weeks, I experienced a strange sensation. I have heard it described as "the heebie jeebies" or "the willies". Shivers coursed up and down my spine. What was happening to me?
You might think I am being silly, but I assure you, this was a very strange experience. I don't get squeamish. I never have. All the years I went hunting and fishing with my Dad and learned more about the insides of animals than I ever cared to know? Not once. When Shortcake was screaming in the hospital, her arm strapped down to a metal board and an inexperienced ER nurse was repeatedly stabbing at her perfect pink flesh trying to get an IV started, did I want to throttle him? Oh, yeah! Did I get woozy? Nope.
Texans love the old saying "Shoot first and ask questions later!" and no, it's not because we all have a gun in our glove box. (They're actually under the seat for easier access. Kidding!!!!!) Is it really the best motto to live by? No. But sometimes life is like that. You take care of the problem first and sort through the emotions and/or consequences later.
I have been thinking about many things since that rainy day. My mind alighted upon the memories of being in the hospital for three days with my sick little Shortcake when I originally expected that in an hour or two I would be walking out with a tired little girl and a prescription. The time I sent Husband off in an ambulance alone because we thought his spleen had ruptured and I had to stay home with the littles. Rushing Sunshine to the ER as her little body started swelling and turn red after taking some ibuprofen for a headache made it's appearance at the party too. There are times in our lives as parents that situations happen and we have to react instantly. You don't get the time to think or the chance to question or the luxury to mull anything over. You do what needs to be done and you trust that your actions and thoughts are being guided by our perfect Father in Heaven.
But those feelings that had to be denied for the sake of the scared child crushing your hand with his 9 year old strength who is in tremendous pain but trying to be brave must make their way out, whether it's a late night cry into your husband's shoulder or a delayed case of the heebie-jeebies. Those feelings, emotions and reactions cannot be denied or forgotten. The soul and body are connected. What the soul experiences "spiritually" the body will also manifest physically. The separation of the two only happens in death. Those of us who perfected the art of squashing those feelings down into the deepest, darkest hollows where they couldn't cause anymore pain sometimes find that it was not a bottomless pit with a lock, but rather one with a locked and loaded springboard at the bottom, a time release catch and a label on the top that reads: Anxiety Issues.
The squeamishness has worn off and I am past my Post Traumatic Toe Syndrome, but today is what I would call a "bad day" anxiety wise. My stomach feels rock hard, I am having to force myself to relax various muscle groups that are more tense than a color blind guy on the bomb squad. Cut the red wire? They're all red!!!! My mind is racing with "whatifs" and deep breaths are my best friends right now. While I am a little disappointed as I always am when I have a "setback", I do have to admit that the sources of stress in our life right now are numerous and plentiful so it really was to be expected. I know now that this will pass and I have many coping techniques to get me through. I also have amazing friends both here and in Heaven.
Thanks for listening friend.