Sunday, September 25, 2011

Quiet

Someone sent me an email and mentioned that I've been quiet. She was checking up on me and poor dear, caught me on a really bad day but thankfully... God sent her into that situation to rally the prayer troops which she did and for that I am most grateful!

Things have been... OK. If you count a trip to the ER to rule out a possible infection and a waterfall of tears as... OK. First, let me just say that I am talking with my doctor about postpartum depression and keeping a close eye out for anything severe. I take that very seriously and would not hesitate to get help for it if my husband or doctor or therapist determined a need for it.

I have always struggled with postpartum emotions. It usually shows up as anxiety although after Shortcake, it was more like depression but not too severe. I so envy those moms who give birth and then sit back and bask in the glow of a sweet smelling newborn and just take it all in, every scent, every coo, every nuzzle. They might be tired from the lack of sleep, but other than being a little bleary eyed, they truly do enjoy their "babymoon".

I have never been that way.

I worry and fret and cry... a lot. Is she eating enough? Is she eating too much? Am I producing enough milk? Is she warm enough? Is she too warm? Is she crying because she's in pain? Did I do something wrong? All of my worst mothering insecurities come out in stark relief. This time around, with all the anxiety that happened prior to her birth and now with some of the minor complications we've had since she was born and the difficulty of a C-section recovery, it's been... significant.

And now we suspect that Cupcake has acid reflux. We'll be talking to the pediatrician tomorrow to see what he thinks. She's eating well and growing so I'm not worried about it, but it makes for a very fussy, frustrated little one. And that plays right in to all my fears and worries.

So, I'm a little quiet now because I'm processing it all out. I'm talking it out with my husband and some close friends. I also have my therapist on speed dial, just in case. And I'm also keeping my eye on this lovely prize:


Thanks again for your prayers and concern and thank God for friends who check up on you.

23 comments:

  1. praying for you and wee miss that all is well. Hang in there. This too shall pass! Glad that you have all the back up support waiting in the wings!

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  2. I'm the same way after a baby. I never suffer anything major - I'm just major drama all the time. I don't do well with lack of sleep...AT ALL. It makes me cranky, irritable and downright mean sometimes. And I too worry and fret - although mine is usually less directed at how the baby is doing and more directed at my many perceived faults and shortcomings. It's so hard - no many how many times you've done it. Prayers are DEFINITELY coming your way.

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  3. Praying for your piece of mind and that you will have the wisdom to know if and when you need meds. I make a deal with my husband - if he thinks I'm beyond the normal post-partum hormones, that he'll tell me and I'll listen and go see the doc. In the meantime, make sure you're getting as much rest as you can and are eating lots of good food.

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  4. You and your sweet baby are in our prayers.

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  5. Prayers for you. A c-section recovery is no joke. It takes a long time. Take it slow.

    Big hugs coming your way as well. :)

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  6. Prayers for you, Charlotte! I felt similar after my two were born. We'll keep you in our prayers!

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  7. I'll pray for you, Charlotte. I think the deal should be that your husband, or any husband, will TAKE you to the dr. if he thinks there is a problem. The one time I had to deal with a mom with serious postpartum depression (as a LLL leader), it was scary. All those concerns you mention, multiplied many times. She wouldn't get help on her own because she was so far gone!

    Not that it sounds like you're at that point, just that you should mention that to him!

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  8. Praying for you, dear Charlotte.

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  9. She really is beautiful. Two of my nieces had reflux, so I know (sort of) how bad it can be. Get relief from the crying, get out of the house even if only for a few minutes. We'll be praying for you and her. If it is reflux, there are meds to help her poor little tummy.

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  10. Hi Charlotte,
    I could have copy and pasted your entire post into my own personal biography especially regarding the babymoon phase. I am a hot mess. Every Sticking Time. I hope every time I won't do it, and every time I do. We are always so crazy grateful for our babies and the gifts that they are that I think that I can't enjoy it. I am so petrified of losing them, missing something, overlooking this or that. Our sixth had to go to the ER for running a 103.7 fever at one week. When they told me they had to do a spinal tap on her, well...I needn't say more. I was beyond hysterical. Like you mentioned, I have many friends here who look at me like I am a big crazy woman because they are tired after a baby, but emotions??? what's that???? All of our babies too have been crazy colicky. I hope each time we will get one of "Those" babies that sleep, sit nicely, ride in the car without screaming. Once again, it is another gift we can give to our Good Lord.
    It is a very special, special cross. Therese was such a sensitive person so I pray to her and ask her to help me. I beg God every time to please help me have a normal babymoon and in His divine wisdom, He has chosen to not spare me of this cross.
    Sorry to ramble...what have I learned? It is a gift I can give our Good Lord. I am grateful for the sensitive heart I have developed through this trial and want to help others.
    You will be just fine. WE are every time. It is just getting to that point. I pray that you rest in His arms each day and night and know that He sits in your home with you watching over you, your sweet new baby, and other children. He knows she is fussy and wants to help you. I find comfort in that fact. He will help us keep them safe. God bless.

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  11. Covering you and sweetie-pie Cupcake in prayer, Charlotte. Postpartum life is so so very hard! Love and hugs!

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  12. Prayers for peace of mind and heart, we all love you Charlotte!

    I have never had depression, but do have that worry thing, it's like I have 2 different feelings,
    1. It's just a baby, I should be back to normal, right?

    and
    2. It's a baby!!! How can things ever be back to normal?

    God bless you and that sweet baby, you are not alone, your feelings are totally normal...the ones who don't feel anything like this are the not-normal ones!!

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  13. Praying for you and that adorable little cupcake!!

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  14. You're in my prayers, Charlotte! The baby is absolutely perfect!!!

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  15. Charlotte,
    You are in my prayers. You are blessed to know to ask for help. Hugs.

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  16. Prayers for you and your family. I hope you get some answers for her fussiness and that you start to move toward a better place. I've never had postpartum depression but my baby blues were not insignificant either. Thanks for allowing us the opportunity to pray for you!

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  17. Of course you know I'm praying already, but I wanted to let you know that it takes great courage for you to say publicly that everything is not "peachy" all the time during the babymoon. You put yourself out there and let us pray for you. That's strength of character. I have had my own highs and lows after having a baby and even just doing this motherhood gig. Sometimes pretty darn low. I always felt alone in those moments because I was embarrassed to admit that everything wasn't perfect. Another sin of pride (for me).

    As always, Charlotte, you are an inspiration to me. God love you.

    p.s. I will be praying for Cupcake's reflux and fussiness. Poor little thing. Several of my babies have had those same problems. Very hard on both mommy and baby, I know.

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  18. Prayers for you and your family: peace and good health to you - Valerie.

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  19. My experience was the same...I'll pray for you. You are not alone!

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  20. Sending along our prayers as well Charlotte. Being 'quiet' sometimes is the best way to stay centered. You have a beautiful new gift, as you know.

    God bless.

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  21. I will pray for you and Cupcake!

    All of my kids struggled with reflux, until I took the dairy foods out of my diet while I was nursing. It made a HUGE difference for them and they didn't need any meds. Lactose intolerance is fairly common in newborns, I found out.

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  22. Oh Charlotte, I'm so sorry to just be reading this! What a bad blogging friend I've been. I have always dealt with postpartum depression. With my first it was so severe that the term "postpartum psychosis" was tossed out (not quite gently enough for my taste). It is just so insane. I wish I was the happy mother of the newborn too...and unlike you, I usually put on a brave face for everyone but my husband. Which makes it all the worse.

    My Charlotte had acid reflux. Her first six weeks of life were so hard. I went on an elimination diet (first dairy, then add wheat, then add soy, then add berries, then add nuts...you can imagine how hungry I was) but after six weeks, the pediatrician prescribed Zantac. It changed our lives! She morphed, almost overnight, into the laid-back and mellow baby I just knew she was inside. Best part was that we weaned her off the Zantac when she started solids, and she has never had issues since. (I suspect the problem was really caused by my chronic oversupply and too-fast letdown, but the Zantac helped, so whatever). Maybe mention it? I felt bad giving her meds at first, but the difference was just amazing.

    Please, please, please let me know if I can do anything. I'm not too far away! Even if it's just coming over and folding laundry or something. I'll be praying for you.

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Thank you for sharing your thoughts and yourself!