From Red with Love

Here is another perspective from my amazingly talented SIL over in the Wine-Dark Sea combox (Yes, Husband has not one, not two, but three red headed sisters!) I am posting it in it's entirety here so you don't have to scroll through to find it but do go read Melanie's thoughtful post on the the subject that has been on our minds lately:

I have two main problems with social networking sites, which is why I choose not to use them. My husband uses both Facebook and Twitter, so I've gotten to see how both work--this isn't a case of rejecting something without understanding it.

My first problem is similar to what Charlotte says above: why on earth would I want to be contacted out of the blue by people I "left behind" a long, long time ago? The people who are near and dear to me are people I already am in touch with; the others are faces scattered in memory, forever ten or twelve or eighteen to me. Granted, I moved a lot as a child, and don't remember the names or faces of most of my classmates; I also did not form many lifelong friendships in school, and can honestly not think of anyone I'd really be delighted to discover suddenly on the Internet. The reality is that most of us grow, change, and constantly become new people, and I'd find it terribly limiting to be in the virtual presence of people whose last memory of me was when I was an awkward fifteen-year-old or an immature college freshman. When you remain friends with someone, you grow together, experience maturity together, and the friendship is deeper and richer than it ever could have been in the past--but those people who remain in our past are often there for a reason.

The second reason I avoid social networking is because I can't help viewing it a little bit as a homeschooling mom. We're always trying to keep our kids from what some call "twaddle," useless busywork that occupies the time but not the mind, right? Now, I mean no disrespect for those who have found it possible to engage in deep, meaningful, philosophical exchanges on Facebook or on Twitter, but I know that such exchanges must come about in spite of, not because of, the format. The formats are geared toward quick, surface-level observations and sharings: what I did today, where I'm going this weekend, what my child said at lunch, etc. Now, there's nothing wrong with sharing these things if this is what you LIKE to do, and for those whose Facebook friends or Twitter followers are pretty much all immediate family and close, long-time friends I could see that this would, perhaps, be easier than calling each person individually to discuss daily events or weekend plans, etc. But for me, personally, to reveal this level of minute detail to people I haven't spoken to since the fifth grade, or to people who sign up to "follow" me because they once read something somewhere that I wrote, would be an exercise in "twaddle," that very thing I'm teaching my children to avoid.

Please note: I'm not saying that social networking = twaddle, or that there's nothing of value in it for those who did have lots of close high school or college friends with whom they had sadly lost touch and whom they are delighted to have in their lives again. But I can only look at this as an individual, and knowing myself, and my use of the Internet and my constant struggles to find balance between my real obligations and responsibilities and those interactions which take place online, I know that the last thing I need is the kind of format where several times a day one might see new messages or tweets or wall-writings from dozens of different people who don't live close enough to drop in, and who won't see me scrambling at the last minute to get dinner ready because I've spent too much time already on the computer for one day.

Now, how is sharing these small things online different from sharing them face to face, over coffee after Mass perhaps? To me, the difference is that when we are in a face to face, real time encounter with another human being we have a moment where we are truly present to them, and they are to us; we enter into their time and space, so to speak, and they enter into ours, and that moment of shared "now" becomes a memory for us both, and a chance to grow in our understanding of each other that goes far beyond the mere subject matter of the conversation. Online conversation can be wonderful for what it is, but ultimately it is limited; how often have arguments broken out over a misunderstanding in tone, or offense taken where none was meant? Face to face, a thousand different cues put us at our ease: smiles, eyebrow arches, twinkling eyes, friendly laughs, and a quick "I'm sorry!" if one unintentionally offends. None of that is possible in a message posted for dozens to read, and read by some long after it was written.

Does this mean that some kinds of online communication are inherently "bad" and others "good," as some have written? Not at all. I agree that any form can be used well or badly, with good intentions or wrong ones, for God's glory or for our own purposes. But again, speaking only for myself, the format of social networking with its quick messages and widespread reach would most likely be "bad" for me personally--and I really think that most critics of social networking have said as much, that our problems with it come from an understanding of who we are, and what sort of temptation this type of site could easily become for us.

Call me Switzerland!

It sure is cold here in the Alps.

There has been a discussion going on that lots of people have referenced, linked to, commented on, refused to comment on, etc….

Here is how I see both sides of this discussion:

1. Women who have been surprised by pregnancy are very sensitive to the phrase “responsible parenthood” (as the Church in all her wisdom understands that phrase, not the worldly definition which seems to beat down on all of us like a steel-driver who just got his rhythm going) because they feel as though someone is pointing the finger at them saying, “OBVIOUSLY you aren’t a responsible parent who cares about those children’s needs, just some kind of baby making factory.” We should be sensitive to their feelings because chances are they have been pointed at, ridiculed, made to feel embarrassed or worse, by friends, family, parishioners, even total strangers, in real life.

2. The women who have prayerfully chosen to use some method of Church approved natural family planning for reasons based on the wisdom of the Church regarding their particular situation be it medical, psychological or financial and have never been surprised by the blessing of an unexpected new soul are very sensitive to the phrase “using NFP with a contraceptive mentality” because they feel as though someone is pointing the finger at them saying, “You must be a selfish parent who either doesn’t trust God enough to take care of your concerns or someone who prefers dollar signs instead of souls.” We should be sensitive to their feelings because chances are they have been accused of deliberately limiting their family size so as to enjoy material luxuries or of simply not trusting God to provide by friends, family, fellow parishioners, even total strangers. (My personal pet peeve are those who talk about abusing NFP instead of using the “contraceptive” phrase. There is no possible way to abuse NFP. People can choose to use it for selfish reasons, but that does not equate NFP to contraception. No one but God can know the true motivations behind a couple's choice to not seek to add to their family but NFP never says “no” to God’s will.)

3. Both groups of women are striving to live the Church’s mandate to be “open to life” and neither should be made to feel as though her situation makes her less “Catholic” than the other or less interested in working towards the sanctity of her soul and those souls entrusted to her.

4. These kinds of discussions are necessary in order to spread the truth of the Church’s teachings to those who might not have any knowledge on the subject, or who might have been misinformed (there is an awful lot of bad theology out there!) but because of these sensitivities, some women are going to get more insulted by perceived judgments and misinterpretations. Emotions should be checked at the click of the combox and if not, certainly before the click to publish. There is nothing wrong in saying to yourself, “This subject is too near and dear to my heart to trust my head to engage.” In this battle that we all struggle with over how much is too much, we have to ask ourselves if this is the right hill to die on.

Best line I've heard all day

"Grace is the Melanie Wilkes to the world’s Scarlett O’Hara..."

Go read the rest here. Thanks to Elizabeth for passing it along. Now, I haven't experienced with my four some of the criticisms that this funny lady has with her twelve, but I remember the looks, stares, and gawks of disgust when I had three under three. Not fun.

I thought this was a very interesting article and thought provoking too. I wondered whether or not I had ever been guilty of isolating someone up on a pedestal. I hope not and if I have, I apologize! As I see it, part of the problem for the extra large families like Jenni's arises from the fact that there are some mothers of many children who ARE trying to prove something and sadly, you've probably all run into one in some form or fashion. I know I have.

And those proud, pitiful women ruin it for everybody else. Their vicious tongues and condescending smiles make it hard to trust those who are more pure of heart and intention. It is our job... everyone's job, including those of us with what use to be considered big families, now apparently just average, to apply the appropriate solution this wise woman offers whether the situation be talking to a mom of three who's secondary infertility is a hidden cross that she carries quietly or standing in line behind a family of 10 vibrant personalities just trying to get home before the ice cream melts. Extend grace.

...it believes the best even when it doesn’t understand, and is humble enough not to insist on explanations. I don’t know of a single situation where it wouldn’t be welcome.

Deep thoughts

Have you ever thought that someone was trying to be like St. Therese the Little Flower...

...and that made you the grumpy nun?

Sigh.

Gobsmacked

Go read this article about an 8 year old in the UK who can't be a full fledged Cub Scot because he refuses to pledge to "do his duty to the Queen" and then come back and tell me what you think of it. Seriously. Because I don't know what to think of it. My opinion is vacillating. Isn't it the same as the Pledge of Allegiance that we said every day of our lives in public school (I know they don't anymore)? They make it seem as though it goes against his faith but then, so would the Pledge of Allegiance right? What does it mean to "do one's duty"? Does it just mean to be a good citizen because I know that our faith calls us to be faithful citizens who uphold the laws as long as they are not in conflict with the teachings of our faith. If other's can change the words to suit their religious or moral convictions, why not this kid?

Anyway... sorry for such a weighty topic this Monday morning. Feel free to ignore it. We are still recovering from our fabulous Father's Day brunch with friends and backyard shenanigans on their Slip N' Slide. The Dad's spent their day drinking excellent coffee and solving all the world's problems. Our heroes!!! OK, now... back to home improvement projects. Details to come!

If you give a pessimist an e-book...

...she will probably wind up a crying mass of jelly on the floor. If she cries hard enough, her mostly optimistic (and thoroughly handsome) prince will come to rescue her. He will offer her a tissue and ask what troubles her so. She will tell him that she has been a horrible mother who has raised totally undisciplined children and ruined any chance they had of being well educated in this world. If she is even barely comprehensible between sobs, he will pick up the 40 pages lying scattered about the blob of jelly and proceed to read for himself these words which were so painful to the pessimist just minutes before. The prince will finish all 40 pages and even go to the computer to do a little extra research on his own. After doing his research and giving his wife a hug, he will proceed to tell her all of the little ways in which he believes that their children have benefited from the education they have received thus far and all of the ways in which she has helped to raise them according to this newly discovered standard that apparently means so much to her now, but that she is incapable of recognizing. And if she is able to listen to what he says and talk with him honestly about their job as parents and the children who bless their lives every day and the hope of more to come, then she will probably smile at him and thank him for being such a wonderful help to her. After taking a few deep breaths, she will pick up the unfinished pages and keep reading. And chances are, if she keeps reading... she is going to start crying again. (Happy tears!)

...self-discipline is the ultimate goal.... That's why discipline is such an important process. Notice that word "process". We guide them with discipline from without until they can make the transition to discipline themselves from within.
~ from Education Is an Atmosphere,a Discipline, a Life, a free e-book available at www.SimplyCharlotte Mason.com

So maybe I embellished a little. I wasn't quite that big of a baby about it, but wanting to participate in Elizabeth's discussion meant first reading the resource and then dealing with my inner pessimist. I wish I had more to add to the actual discussion of this topic, but
I had some unexpected "issues" to deal with. I know it is hard for some people to understand, especially those who are very skilled in bucking themselves up when they feel the slightest bit down or those amazing moms who don't even allow themselves to R.S.V.P. to those personal pity parties that can be so debilitating. But for those of us who tend to always look on the dark side of life, reading something like this that speaks to our hearts so clearly can at the same time convict us in such a way that is so brutally honest that it leaves scars.

What I can offer is some advice to anyone who has to fight through the pangs of guilt before they can get to the resolve to change... keep reading!!! And if you can, find an optimist to read it with you. If you can't, then before you begin, resolve not to let yourself travel to that dark place in your mind that is dangerous to go into alone. Maybe begin by making a list of all of the good qualities that your children possess (and even yourself). And then, once you are finished, and the gavel has dropped on your heart (because you know it will in some way), give yourself the chance to read it again. You will find things that you never saw before... like the quote above.

This is a process and if you can see yourself as a completely different person than you were ten years ago, then believe that it is not too late for you or your children. And that the biggest gift you can give them might be the ability to acknowledge which parts of your lives need some improvement.You can't change what you don't acknowledge. (Did not mean to quote Dr. Phil there! Honest!!!) I choose to turn the table on my pessimistic side and say "thank you" because without it, I would only be fooling myself by thinking that there is nothing for me to work on. I am not perfect and I know it. That just might be one of God's greatest gifts to me. Just below that handsome prince He gave me who so perfectly makes up for my deficiencies. I say "thank you" for him everyday!!!