Mercy

As Christians, we are called to be charitable towards all, not just the people we love best, but that is easier said than done. One of the marks of a Christian is how they treat those who they believe have been uncharitable to them or others. We have all been uncharitable at times, none of us here is sinless enough to cast the first stone, and have probably all suffered from lack of charity from others. When we feel we have been wronged, do we pout, do we reveal the sins of others either in general or specifically, in private or in public, do we use our injuries to curry favor or gain sympathy? That temptation is particularly great to our delicate egos. We are all "works in progress" are we not?

Or do we use that perceived lack of charity as an opportunity to self exam our own consciences, and find those areas were our own charity has been lacking, seek forgiveness and make amends? We have the choice of holding onto resentments or forgiving 70 x 7 times realizing that in order to be able to forgive, we must accept that we will be injured first. As Fr. P. said at Mass last Sunday, after having dealt with the ugliness of an extremely personal attack, the Good Samaritan offered more than charity, he offered mercy.

Our Lady of Mt. Carmel, pray for us!

Blessings on this glorious feast day!

 

...plus two

I am re-posting this from last year because this piece means even more to me now than it did last year, being only a couple of months removed from our recent loss and still without anything meaningful to say. The world has moved on, I have tried to focus my attentions elsewhere, but my heart is still sore.

Four times over... plus two.

*********************************************************************

The sun was shining brightly this morning as we cruised down the highway, everyone happily bobbing along. Dressed in our best, we were headed out to go offer our best to the Perfect Father and thank him for the gift of the father with us. I whispered, “Happy Father’s Day” to the strong, handsome man beside me. He responded in hushed tones so as not to disturb the merry chattering behind us, “Four times over… plus one.”

Plus one.

Blissful basking is quickly clouded by the bitter sting of shared pain. I am suddenly grateful for the bright rays of the early morning sun that necessitated the dark shades now hiding the tiny pools collecting behind them. Concentrating on the road and not letting those pools become rivers, I hear a sniff and see his hand raise to his eyes. I don’t want to spoil the mood with the heavy feelings in my heart of the blessing we have yet to meet but his words, his hands and his eyes have released the dam and let the tears flow.

Five years later, how can the wound be so fresh that the smallest little pick peels back the scab? Do wounds of the heart ever heal? Perhaps. Maybe some. Not this one, I suspect. A precious soul, one whose absence we feel so keenly, can't be reduced to a thin red line that slowly fades to white. The space that missing someone leaves behind aches like a phantom limb.

He looks at the 5 year-old version of himself sitting behind us singing a favorite song. We are both thankful for that gift which would not be here without the loss of the other according to the cycles of biology set in motion many moons ago. I am thankful for the gift of him who isn't afraid to say "plus one" and who isn't too busy being a big man to mourn for that tiny one.

Only You can answer our why’s. Only You can answer our prayers. Only You can soothe our souls. Thank you, dear Father!

Happy Father’s Day, my dear.

 

May ~ National Mental Health Month

*I had scheduled to re-post this litany from the archives before I went to the doctor this week. I know I will be comforted by this prayer in the coming weeks and I hope it provides the same comfort for anyone else who needs it.

Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus ~ Philippians 4:6-7

Litany of Consolation
When the darkness of depression overshadows me, Lord Jesus, you say: I am the Light of the world.

When plagued by my fragility and all my limitations, Lord Jesus, you say: Blessed are the poor in spirit; the kingdom of God is theirs.

When sadness takes hold of me, Lord Jesus, you say; Blessed are the sorrowing; they shall be consoled.

When tormented by my insecurity and my inadequacy, Lord Jesus, you say: Blessed are the lowly; they shall inherit the earth.

When lost and unsure about where to turn, Lord Jesus, you say: Your Father knows what you need before you ask him.

When fretful and obsessive about so many things, Lord Jesus, you say: Do not worry about what you are to eat of drink or use for clothing.

When lethargy and listlessness take over, Lord Jesus, you say: Seek first the Father's kingship over you and all will be given you.

When worry about your future paralyzes me, Lord Jesus, you say: Let tomorrow take care of itself.

When I feel helpless and forsaken, Lord Jesus, you say: Ask and you will receive.

When shame and guilt overwhelm me, Lord Jesus, you say: I have come to call, not the self-righteous, but sinners.

When engulfed by anxiety and fear, Lord Jesus, you say: Do not be afraid of anything.

When my life lacks any purpose or direction, Lord Jesus, you say: Follow me.

When I believe I am worthless and a total disappointment, Lord Jesus, you say: You are worth more than an entire flock of sparrows.

When weighed down my the addictions of my life, Lord Jesus, you say: Come to me, all you who are weary and find life burdensome.

When the harshness and ruthlessness of life assail me. Lord Jesus, you say: I am gentle and humble of heart: your souls will find rest.

When it seems I have only a little to offer, Lord Jesus, you say: To the one who has, more will be given.

When I crave approval and fear the judgment of others, Lord Jesus, you say: Whoever becomes lowly like a little child is of greatest importance in the kingdom of God.

When I'm feeling discouraged because of my body, Lord Jesus, you say: Remain in me.

When my situation seems hopeless, Lord Jesus, you say: For God, all things are possible.

When I fear that my life is irrelevant and insignificant, Lord Jesus, you say: The last shall be first.

When I'm afraid to face the truth about myself, Lord Jesus, you say: Whoever humbles himself shall be exalted.

When exhausted by tedium, tiresomeness, and stress, Lord Jesus, you say: Come by yourselves to an out-of-the-way place and rest a little.

When terrified by the raging storms of life, Lord Jesus, you say: Do not be afraid; it is I.

When I am full of doubt, with no one to depend on, Lord Jesus, you say: Everything is possible to one who trusts.

When it's hard to persevere and I'm tempted to give up, Lord Jesus, you say: By patient endurance you will save your lives.

When bitterness and resentment poison my heart, Lord Jesus, you say: If the Son frees you, you will truly be free.

When I feel like I belong to no one, Lord Jesus, you say: I know my sheep and my sheep know me.

When I see nothing but my wrongdoing and failures, Lord Jesus, you say: Do not let your heart be troubled; have faith in me.

When swayed by moralism, relativism, and nihilism, Lord Jesus, you say: I am the way, the truth, and the life.

When I am feeling cut off, alienated, and alone, Lord Jesus, you say: I am the vine, you are the branches.

When duped by self-absorption and self-obsessiveness, Lord Jesus, you say: Apart from me you can do nothing.

When despairing because of isolation and alienation, Lord Jesus, you say: I will not leave you orphans.

When downcast from feeling friendless and betrayed, Lord Jesus, you say: I call you friends.

When I refuse to believe that anyone could love me, Lord Jesus, you say: It was not you who chose me, it was I who chose you.

When tempted to apathy, cynicism, and dread, Lord Jesus, you say: Ask and you shall receive, that your joy may be full.

When polluted by hatred and violence of the world, Lord Jesus, you say: Take courage; I have overcome the world.

When I think that happiness is nothing but a delusion, Lord Jesus, you say: Do you love me?

When my life reaches a dead-end and I lack all desire, Lord Jesus, you say: Do you love me?

When I decide that life has no meaning, Lord Jesus, you say: Do you love me?

Yes, Lord Jesus, I do! Lord Jesus, you say: Live on in my love.

Our Father, who art in Heaven...

 (This is a beautiful litany written by Fr. Peter John Cameron, O.P. and published in the January 2007 edition of Magnificat.)

But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things; but one thing is needful,... ~ Luke 10:41-42

Grieving

You know, my husband sometimes tells the story of a Franciscan priest he knew who was desperately running to catch a bus. He made it up the steps just before the doors closed shut behind him and plopped down exhausted, proclaiming loudly, "God is good!" A little old lady sitting next to him smiled and said, "Yes... and He would be just as good if you didn't catch the bus!" It's a funny anecdote for a serious subject to follow. Forgive me.

What is it about our fallen human nature that only rejoices in His goodness when things go our way? An unexpected refund arrives in the mail... God is good! A friend shows up with a plate of cookies... God is good!

Cookies or not, God is always good.

Today especially, I will try to remember that God is good. In light of tragedy and sadness, God is good. In light of losing a little one who's face we will not know this side of Heaven. God is good. In light of still carrying that tiny heart that we never once had the pleasure of watching beat. God is good. In light and in shadow, in sunshine and in rain...
in heartbreak...
in sorrow...
in pain...

God is good.

Blessed be God forever.

We beg your prayers as we go through the painful process of letting our little one go.

St. Isidore, pray for us!

Keeping It Real

There is something I want to address after reading some pretty frank things recently about Mommy Blogs in general and my blog in particular and how they are viewed in the grand scheme of things. I know there are people who struggle with blogs. Aren't they just vanity incarnate? Aren't they just illusions of perfection designed to induce feelings of guilt and inadequacy amongst fellow moms? Aren't they just places for people to worship at the temple of ME?

Obviously, I don't think so, but I do admit that maybe I have been a little remiss in posting frequent reminders of an important fact that all blog readers should keep in mind, so here goes...

I don't claim to speak for anyone else so remember that when I say...this blog is not my diary. A diary is a safe, guarded place that you can pour your heart and soul into and chew over all the thoughts in your head. If you are 12, that might be which Jonas brother is the dreamiest. If you are 32 it might be the heart pains of showing up to yet another friend's wedding without a date and crying out in written prayer for God to please send you the fulfillment of your vocation. I never really was a diary writer, but if I was, I certainly wouldn't share it in an open forum like this.

This blog is more like a scrapbook. There are rows and rows of scrapbook aisles with pretty paper, cute chipboard cutouts and themed stickers in every store with a craft section to prove that no one wants to waste time making an ugly one. I am probably just as picky about what I put here as I would be putting together a scrapbook that I would leave out on my coffee table. This is not "True Confessions of a Catholic Mom" although being that it is my place, I reserve the right to include some if I so choose.

If I was going to document a family vacation to Florida, you can bet your sweet bippy that I wouldn't waste my time putting in the blurry pictures of highway or writing down how much we paid for gas in Mississippi or how many fights broke out over who's turn it was to play the Gameboy. Now, if somebody got stung by a jellyfish which then turned into a funny story involving humorous yet disgusting natural remedies, that might be something I'd jot down for posterity's sake.

So if you come here and feel inadequate at how your life looks compared to these pictures, please remember, they are just snapshots. A camera lens focused in on one isolated subject, not a wide open panorama to my whole life. And when I post a picture of a beautiful cake that I actually made, decorated and served to my family, it's the real deal, not a facade. I'm not obligated to show anyone the dirty dishes in the sink! Since most of us are all moms, I just assume everyone knows they are there.

I'm not trying to sell anyone anything or make anyone think that I have everything figured out. I'm just trying to record memories for my family and friends and focus on the good in this life that I enjoy but often times don't see for the forest of bad. Those of us with naturally pessimistic natures have to force ourselves to see the beauty so that we don't feel strangled by the ugly everywhere. Maybe some people should pick up a camera and try to find some beauty in their life too and then they might not be so bitter about the beauty in mine.

And just in case anyone missed how imperfect my life can be at times, here are a few reminders:

Sunday Obligation

Mirrors followed up with Thinking

and

Batting Practice in My Head

Courage is Contagious

Part Three: Part One and Two


So what does a non-medicated treatment plan look like? Of course, it's going to look different for everyone. I can only tell you about what mine looked like.

There are a few things about a non-medicated treatment plan that you should be aware of before deciding with your doctors if it's right for you… it might take longer than you'd expect, it might mean much more frequent contact with your medical professionals than you'd expect and it might mean a lot more exercise/nutrition alteration/therapy than you'd expect. That isn’t always doable for everyone.

What do I mean by "it might take longer than you expect"? When I asked my doctor if I could do this without medication she very honestly told me, "Yes, but you can do it faster with medication." So I knew going in that it was going to take longer. How much longer? That's going to be different for everyone but it took about a month before I felt like the depression had completely lifted and that just left the anxiety to deal with which took significantly longer and is still something I deal with even today.

How much contact with a medical professional? I saw my doctor about every 3 months for about a year. I'll get to how often I visited the therapist later.

How much exercise? Every time I felt anxious. Every time I felt the beginnings of a panic attack coming on. Every time I felt a fluttery sensation in my chest. Every time I felt a tight knot in my stomach. Every time I caught myself pacing around the house. Sometimes, it was 3-5 times a day. But I'm talking about 15-20 minute little bursts. Leslie Sansone Walk Away the Pounds DVDs are wonderful. Talk a walk in your home if you can't get outside. Dance around the house, jump rope, walk around the back yard, anything that gets your heart rate up. When that starts to drop, your anxiety level will drop as well.

What kind of nutrition alteration? Again, it's going to differ for everyone, but for me, I quit caffeine cold turkey! Sorry, my coffee/Diet Coke loving friends, but it's a drug... in the same category as speed (amphetamines) or cocaine. It might be beneficial in small doses, but it can be addictive and so it should be used with moderation. If a friend you loved who's last cold was months ago told you she couldn't go to bed without her NyQuil spiked tea, that she couldn't even imagine tea without NyQuil or that she's just too awake normally and needs her NyQuil to help calm her down and get her brain ready for sleep, you'd be concerned, wouldn't you? Consider this a caffeine intervention!

How did I quit? Well, caffeine can trigger panic attacks. You have enough of those and you won't go anywhere near the stuff. You will even start calling companies to find out if their products contain caffeine and what levels. Chocolate (the darker the chocolate, the higher caffeine content) and all dark colored sodas with the exception of a few root beers have caffeine. Some drinks like Big Red and Mountain Dew have more than Coke or Pepsi.

If you love the taste of coffee, try decaf. The amount of caffeine in decaf is so insignificant. And don't tell me that you can taste the difference! Caffeine naturally tastes bitter. Barq's Root Beer adds it to their recipe to cut the sweetness. If you want bitter, there are tons of bitter decafs to choose from. Eight O'Clock would be my first suggestion!

Caffeine is addictive. It forces your brain to produce beta-endorphins. It blocks adenosine receptors in the brain causing your neurons to become more active. Then your pituitary responds to what it perceives as an emergency situation with a fight or flight adrenaline response. You can read more here. It's a drug. A socially accepted drug, but a drug none the less. And while it might be a mild drug, it does have side effects. If you think you are addicted, ask yourself if you're OK with that. Is it OK for this thing to have control over you or should you have control over it? I know that it can be used for medicinal purposes, but like all medications, it should be used in moderation.

I did not explore any other kind of nutritional therapy other than identifying other natural stimulants like cinnamon, for example, but Elizabeth has written up her PPD treatment plan and you might find that helpful.

How much therapy/spiritual direction? Once a week. For a few months. And I do believe that I might have begged for twice a week at one point. Then once every two weeks. For a few months. Then once every three weeks. For a few months. Then once a month. Then once every couple of months. And finally...only on an as needed basis. That much. And then, you might have other homework to do. Relaxation techniques, breathing techniques, aroma therapy, journaling, prayer... get ready to work!

Now, I get that this plan for treatment may not be doable by everyone out there. It's the treatment plan that worked for me. I am in no way trying to say that one size fits all. There are so many resources now, so many options. Find the one that fits you! Get help. Take care of yourself so that you can better care for those precious little ones God has placed in your arms!

Courage is Contagious

Part Two

I want to address something that Michelle rightly brought up in the combox of Part One. It is hard to tell the difference between the symptoms of PPD/PPA and just plain new mommy exhaustion. The sleep deprivation you go through in the last weeks of pregnancy (who can sleep well when they feel like a beached whale?) coupled with the endless nursing, changing, bouncing, swaying that a new baby needs usually means Mom is missing out on the luxury of sleeping a good, solid chunk of hours at a time. (Unless, of course, your baby is magical like my Sunshine was and slept 5 hours at a stretch every night from the minute we brought her home! I loved her for that!)


A trained medical professional can recognize the difference. In fact, they have a handy dandy little list of questions to ask to help them determine the difference. I know because I failed the exact same exam when both my doctor and therapist administered it. You would think I would have learned the right answers the second time I took it. : )

I encourage anyone who is struggling with what might be depression to ask their doctor or midwife to help them evaluate it. They are pretty straightforward, simple questions, but it makes a world of difference to hear them for yourself and to have to think about them and answer them honestly. Don’t go Googling them! Talk to someone you trust first!

My wonderful Catholic therapist helped me determine that in my case, the depression was probably a side effect of the anxiety disorder and I can’t tell you what a relief that was to hear. I know it sounds strange, but I was relieved to know that essentially I didn’t understand I had an anxiety disorder but that once I understood more about it and how to cope with it, I could be pretty confident that the depression would subside.

I can’t tell you how much I recommend finding a Catholic or at the very least, a Christian therapist. CatholicTherapists.com will help you locate one in your area. If you cannot find one close by, consider calling your nearest one to request a recommendation of someone in your area. It might not be a colleague on the Catholic Therapists list, but most therapists are likely to associate with other like-minded professionals. My therapist was so comforting during those first meetings, so good at incorporating my faith into my treatment and also very supportive of my preference to avoid medication.

Regarding the medication issue, I want to address this as openly as I can, but you also must realize that I have to maintain a certain level of privacy as well. Like I said in Part One, I am not opposed to the treatment of any kind of depression or anxiety including PPD/PPA with medication such as an anti-depressant or hormone therapy. However, in my case, a long family history of chemical dependency and problems with self-medication made me very hesitant to that course of treatment. Also, I have a sensitivity to certain medications. I did take one dose of a very mild anti-depressant and had a very bad reaction to it. My doctor agreed at 1 o’clock that morning that I should definitely NOT take another dose. I agreed. My preference was to try a course of treatment without any kind of prescription help with the understanding that both my doctor and my therapist would monitor my progress and be honest with me if they ever felt that I wasn’t getting better.

If anyone reading this tried a non-medicinal approach and ended up needing prescription interventions to succeed, then I join you in thanking God for the gift of modern medicine and for your success in battling this difficult burden. But, if you are afraid to get help because you think your only option is medicine and you believe you have serious reasons to try to avoid it, then I heartily encourage you to ask for the help you need from someone willing to listen to your concerns and someone willing to give you a chance. And keep asking until you find that person who will listen.

In Part Three, I will tell you specifically what a “non medicinal” treatment looked like for me.

Courage is Contagious

Part One

I've been participating in a discussion about Post Partum Depression/ Post Partum Anxiety over at F&F Live started by the courageous Kate Wicker and also over at Kate's blog. There are a few things I feel as though I need to say here in this safe, comfortable space. Maybe I need to get them off my chest or maybe someone needs to hear them.

Some of you already know that I struggle with an anxiety disorder. I've been through some really difficult times and still have moments when I recognize that certain corners of my mind are like a bad neighborhood that I shouldn't be allowed to wander in alone especially at night. While I was not diagnosed with PPD specifically, my most recent problems did begin when my youngest was 6 months old, although that wasn't the only contributing circumstance. Looking back on all of my post partum experiences, I can say with a good amount of certainty that I was suffering from various levels of PPD/PPA during all 4 with the most notable instances occurring after babies 3 & 4.

The discussion over at F&F has included stories of triumph over this illness using different prescription therapies like progestrone or anti-depressants. Women have also admitted to feeling as though their pride and fear kept them away from accepting the chemical intervention for longer than was good for them. That just breaks my heart. There is a certain stigma attached to the diagnosis and treatment of mental illness, which PPD/PPA is classified as and that needs to change. We need to do whatever we can to destroy that prejudice, especially in Catholic circles.

Why especially in Catholic circles? Because the guilt we inflict on ourselves can be overwhelming. As faithful Catholic moms, we are all trying to live a truly pro-life lifestyle and we are taught by our Church that children are a blessing to be cherished, welcomed and treasured. It's the Culture of Death that says babies are a burden, motherhood is a millstone, parenthood is something to be endured. When you find yourself sad, crying, miserable, angry, or anxious after giving birth to this helpless creature whose coos and gurgles bring you no joy, the guilt is crushing. 

Have I given into the culture of death mentality? I am a terrible mother. I am unfit for this noble vocation. Everyone else can handle motherhood just fine, why can't I? Was I just fooling myself? Am I going to break my children and damage them forever? Don't they deserve better than me? If I just prayed more, if I was a better Catholic, if I was a better person, I wouldn't have this problem.

Every woman thinking thoughts like these whether you have a newborn or not needs to know... that's not really you. That's not who you are! If you've recently had a baby, it might just be your brain's response to a chemical cocktail gone wrong. There are ways to come out of that fog. Ways to find your real self again. There are a whole host of ways these days to treat this illness, one of them is bound to work for you. I pray you have the courage to get the help you need and the support of people you trust. It's a tough road, but it's worth it!

(Next post I will talk a little about what worked for me.)

Organizing for Lent

There are many great posts out there about organizing Lent.  Organizing thoughts, crafts, how the kids are going to participate, what meditations Mom should read... it's all wonderful advice! I really don't have anything to add.

I want this Lent to be a time of preparation and reparation in all aspects of our life. This year, I am keeping our plans pretty close to the vest, but you can read past posts here. This place might be more quiet than usual though not abandoned or anything like that. Just quieter.

Blessings,

Reflections

Anxiety proceeds from an ill-regulated desire to be delivered from the evil we experience, or to acquire the good to which we aspire; nevertheless, nothing aggravates evil and hinders good so much as anxiety and worry. ~ St. Francis de Sales

Amen.

Our Father's Day

The sun was shining brightly this morning as we cruised down the highway, everyone happily bobbing along. Dressed in our best, we were headed out to go offer our best to the Perfect Father and thank him for the gift of the father with us. I whispered, “Happy Father’s Day” to the strong handsome man beside me. He responded in hushed tones so as not to disturb the merry chattering behind us, “Four times over… plus one.”

Plus one.

Blissful basking is quickly clouded by the bitter sting of shared pain. I am suddenly grateful for the bright rays of the early morning sun that necessitated the dark shades now hiding the tiny pools collecting behind them. Concentrating on the road and not letting those pools become rivers, I hear a sniff and see his hand raise to his eyes. I don’t want to spoil the mood with the heavy feelings in my heart of the blessing we have yet to meet but his words, his hands and his eyes have released the dam and let the tears flow.

Five years later, how can the wound be so fresh that the smallest little pick peels back the scab? Do wounds of the heart ever heal? Perhaps. Maybe some. Not this one, I suspect. A precious soul, one whose absence we feel so keenly, can't be reduced to a thin red line that slowly fades to white. The space that missing someone leaves behind aches like a phantom limb.

He looks at the 5 year-old version of himself sitting behind us singing a favorite song. We are both thankful for that gift which would not be here without the loss of the other according to the cycles of biology set in motion many moons ago. I am thankful for the gift of him who isn't afraid to say "plus one" and who isn't too busy being a big man to mourn for that tiny one.

Only You can answer our why’s. Only You can answer our prayers. Only You can soothe our souls. Thank you, dear Father!

Happy Father’s Day, my dear.

Thinking out loud

Blog worthy

What is "blog worthy"? What does that phrase mean to you?

I have heard people complain that blogs are too lovely. They create a false sense of perfection. They don't give the reader an opportunity to see the ugly, dirty, nitty-gritty side of day to day life. Bloggers will defend themselves and each other by reminding those critics that blogs are places specifically created to be beautiful. Sometimes a mom needs a beautiful place to record the loveliness otherwise she might be tempted to succumb to the nitty gritty. At the end of the day she might not be able to see the lovely for the laundry. To this person, "blog worthy" isn't a condition of pride, it's a coping mechanism.

I have heard people use the phrase "it just wasn't blog worthy" to describe something silly that happened or an idea that they had that they chose not to post on their blog. Mostly, it's been in reference to something they decided to share in a more temporary way. I would find it too exhausting to compartmentalize like that, but I tend to over think everything. I don't understand the desire to separate different aspects of my life but that doesn't mean that it serves no purpose. Perhaps it is another form of coping for the person who is too afraid to look at their whole self honestly. Maybe it helps to break the mirror into manageable pieces. For me, it would be too much of a temptation to not see the whole me and convince myself that I was something I'm not.

I have found myself without anything to say during different seasons of my time in the blogging world. That is a strange feeling because obviously, things are happening here at home and in the world. For example, we have been to the pool which required purchasing a new swim suit (and lots of therapy) and obviously I didn't blog about those things. Was it because I didn't consider them "blog worthy"? Maybe. I don't recall hearing that phrase in my head, but maybe the sentiment was there. I know that I shared our fun on Trinity Sunday, but I didn't post about the personal frustrations that led up to those moments. How can frustrations result in a cooking craft you ask? You'd have to be in my head.

After having stated on several occasions that I have no desire to reconnect with people from high school, I actually did reconnect with a lovely friend and found that she has grown and changed in similar ways and that now we find ourselves on common ground thinking about and pondering the important things in life and enjoying this place that age, maturity and faith have brought us. I could have blogged about that, but I didn't (except, I think I just did but you know what I mean). I still don't have a strong desire to attend any reunions or join the FB alumni page. This friend is a one in a million kind of girl. I don't expect there are many more out there like her.

Like the title says, I'm just thinking out loud. But these are all things I am pondering in my heart and trying to discern what they mean to me. What is "blog worthy"? Should the notion of what is and isn't "blog worthy" even be a factor in what I decide to post in this space I have carved out for me and my family? One thing I know for sure is that I want this space to be for me a true reflection of my family's life. It is going by so fast it seems and I want to hold on to the memories for better or for worse. I want it to also be a place that challenges me to do better and be better than I have in the past and to chronicle my successes and failures in those areas. I need to remember my blessings when I am tempted to only see the failures and remember the failures that will hold me accountable to that firm purpose of amendment required for absolution but always carefully walking that fine line between acknowledging my failures and obsessing about them. I think joining Ann's Gratitude Community is a good place to start. It's definitely an exercise that is blog worthy by anyone's definition.

May is National Mental Health Month

Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus ~ Philippians 4:6-7

Litany of Consolation
When the darkness of depression overshadows me, Lord Jesus, you say: I am the Light of the world.

When plagued by my fragility and all my limitations, Lord Jesus, you say: Blessed are the poor in spirit; the kingdom of God is theirs.

When sadness takes hold of me, Lord Jesus, you say; Blessed are the sorrowing; they shall be consoled.

When tormented by my insecurity and my inadequacy, Lord Jesus, you say: Blessed are the lowly; they shall inherit the earth.

When lost and unsure about where to turn, Lord Jesus, you say: Your Father knows what you need before you ask him.

When fretful and obsessive about so many things, Lord Jesus, you say: Do not worry about what you are to eat of drink or use for clothing.

When lethargy and listlessness take over, Lord Jesus, you say: Seek first the Father's kingship over you and all will be given you.

When worry about your future paralyzes me, Lord Jesus, you say: Let tomorrow take care of itself.

When I feel helpless and forsaken, Lord Jesus, you say: Ask and you will receive.

When shame and guilt overwhelm me, Lord Jesus, you say: I have come to call, not the self-righteous, but sinners.

When engulfed by anxiety and fear, Lord Jesus, you say: Do not be afraid of anything.

When my life lacks any purpose or direction, Lord Jesus, you say: Follow me.

When I believe I am worthless and a total disappointment, Lord Jesus, you say: You are worth more than an entire flock of sparrows.

When weighed down my the addictions of my life, Lord Jesus, you say: Come to me, all you who are weary and find life burdensome.

When the harshness and ruthlessness of life assail me. Lord Jesus, you say: I am gentle and humble of heart: your souls will find rest.

When it seems I have only a little to offer, Lord Jesus, you say: To the one who has, more will be given.

When I crave approval and fear the judgment of others, Lord Jesus, you say: Whoever becomes lowly like a little child is of greatest importance in the kingdom of God.

When I'm feeling discouraged because of my body, Lord Jesus, you say: Remain in me.

When my situation seems hopeless, Lord Jesus, you say: For God, all things are possible.

When I fear that my life is irrelevant and insignificant, Lord Jesus, you say: The last shall be first.

When I'm afraid to face the truth about myself, Lord Jesus, you say: Whoever humbles himself shall be exalted.

When exhausted by tedium, tiresomeness, and stress, Lord Jesus, you say: Come by yourselves to an out-of-the-way place and rest a little.

When terrified by the raging storms of life, Lord Jesus, you say: Do not be afraid; it is I.

When I am full of doubt, with no one to depend on, Lord Jesus, you say: Everything is possible to one who trusts.

When it's hard to persevere and I'm tempted to give up, Lord Jesus, you say: By patient endurance you will save your lives.

When bitterness and resentment poison my heart, Lord Jesus, you say: If the Son frees you, you will truly be free.

When I feel like I belong to no one, Lord Jesus, you say: I know my sheep and my sheep know me.

When I see nothing but my wrongdoing and failures, Lord Jesus, you say: Do not let your heart be troubled; have faith in me.

When swayed by moralism, relativism, and nihilism, Lord Jesus, you say: I am the way, the truth, and the life.

When I am feeling cut off, alienated, and alone, Lord Jesus, you say: I am the vine, you are the branches.

When duped by self-absorption and self-obsessiveness, Lord Jesus, you say: Apart from me you can do nothing.

When despairing because of isolation and alienation, Lord Jesus, you say: I will not leave you orphans.

When downcast from feeling friendless and betrayed, Lord Jesus, you say: I call you friends.

When I refuse to believe that anyone could love me, Lord Jesus, you say: It was not you who chose me, it was I who chose you.

When tempted to apathy, cynicism, and dread, Lord Jesus, you say: Ask and you shall receive, that your joy may be full.

When polluted by hatred and violence of the world, Lord Jesus, you say: Take courage; I have overcome the world.

When I think that happiness is nothing but a delusion, Lord Jesus, you say: Do you love me?

When my life reaches a dead-end and I lack all desire, Lord Jesus, you say: Do you love me?

When I decide that life has no meaning, Lord Jesus, you say: Do you love me?

Yes, Lord Jesus, I do! Lord Jesus, you say: Live on in my love.

Our Father...

(This is a beautiful litany written by Fr. Peter John Cameron, O.P. and published in the January 2007 edition of Magnificat.)

But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things; but one thing is needful,... ~ Luke 10:41-42

The Story of Faith

Faith's amazing mom, Myah, has just posted an email she received along with the address it came from. Usually I say, don't feed the troll but this time, I think it's best to stand up to a bully. I doesn't look like a real email address but it's what is posted. And maybe a nice email to Myah might help her forget about it!

UPDATE: Myah has chosen to delete the post, but I am sure that a kind word would still be welcomed! Her email address is on her profile page.

UPDATE #2: This post.

Final Thoughts

Sigh.

When I said that I knew my words would be unpopular it was because I knew that the nature of man wouldn’t let someone express her feelings without wondering if she was making a personal attack or judgment. Why do we do this to each other? If one woman expresses her opinion that homemade cherry pie is the most loving gift she has offered her family today, someone, somewhere is going to look at the bag of Oreos on the table and think,” Well, she must think I am the worst wife/mother in the world.” (I just heard the Highlander in my head, “There can be only one!” which kind of creeps me out so I’ll move along.) And I also knew that we in the Catholic blogging community (as much as I love it) have the tendency to reduce things down to black and white. If X is good then Y must be bad! If A is right then B must be wrong!

When I wrote this post about feeling left behind, I wrote just that. My feelings. Not my opinions. In fact, if you go through that post bit by bit, you will find a significant lack of opinion but an awful lot of feelings. I feel left behind. I felt anxious. I felt like Professor X (which was as weird as Sean Connery in my head from before). I feel an affection for the blogging medium. I feel welcome here. I feel sad that some online friends have chosen to spend more of their time using social networking and have devoted less time to their blogs because I miss them. One of the first things I heard myself ask while looking at some Twitter pages was, “Why didn’t she blog that?” You hear yourself ask questions, too, right?

None of the words I used to describe social networking have any implied negative connotations. Any such connotations can only be assumed by the reader. Fast food is simply fast food, not good or bad. I have never written any sort of condemnation of fast food, in fact, I would gladly total up the number of times my kids have been fed from the drive-thru windows of Wendy’s, Sonic and the like in the past six months. I’ll need to borrow some fingers and toes. I also used the word chatter (which is simply defined as talking rapidly), conversation and virtual noise. And when I joked about the wall, I was only poking fun at the designers of Facebook, not the users. Seems a little silly to me to encourage people to visualize a wall on a network designed to bring people together. That was not intended as a personal attack or a judgment nor was anything else I wrote and it pains me to think that anyone chose to interpret it that way.

I also never said that I didn’t see the benefit of social networking in some capacity, just that when blogging friends start using social networking as the preferred means of communication it cuts off communication with those people who previously enjoyed their company or it pressures those readers into jumping on the bandwagon too. More than one person has commented to my privately that they felt they had to join to stay in the loop but that this communication overload was also creating serious computer burnout.

Anyway, I am not here to bang the gavel and declare what is right and what is wrong. I simply wanted to write how I felt in case there were other people feeling the same way. Apparently there were and I thank each and every one of those commenters who told me so!

Tips for the New Year

If you are like me, you are always looking for little gems, tips, hints, helpful pieces of advice that make the difficult parts of your life more manageable. But, if you really ARE like me, you can also over think yourself into a corner looking for the perfect method or just the right way to tackle that challenge heading your way whether it is a fast moving schedule or a 2 ton line of dirty clothes.

Dawn is working on a new system of notebooks for seasonal planning. I am intrigued! One part of my brain wanted to rush right out and tried to replicate her system immediately. The rational side is going to sit back and see how she makes it work for her family and think about how it might work for mine. I might take some small little notebooks on a test drive before jumping into the project full steam.

With the start of a new year, some people are searching for a way to do things better and some people are sharing their own methods and insights gleaned from their own personal experience. Places like A Servant's Heart can be a great source of information and inspiration, just don't let your brain ruin it for you!

Not all of Gretchen's ideas or anyone else's ideas will work for your family or for mine and the trick is to figure out what you can apply before your brain shuts down and leaves you pouting on the bench (can you tell we have been watching a lot of football around here!) For example: I read her line about everyone over the age of 12 doing their own laundry and chuckled thinking about The Professor making plans for turning 11 in a few weeks. Whoops. So should that mean that Husband and I are the only ones licensed to operate a washing machine? Well, no. In our house, while the children are not responsible for doing their own laundry from start to finish, they are responsible for sorting, sometimes folding, and putting away. We also have a front loader which means that they can start a load all on their own and switch the loads when asked. That works for us, but may not be possible if you have a top loader.

I totally agree with her about toy boxes now, but there have been times in our life when a toy box was the best solution. When I had three under three and our life hadn't yet succumbed to the tiny toy brigade that seems to creep in as children get older, a large toy box worked to contain the things they played with on a regular basis but wasn't so cluttered that they had to dump and search to find them.

Most of the kitchen gurus out there will tell you that stocking your kitchen and pantry with food that has been well thought out and planned is a beautiful thing. I have been using a two week rotational meal plan for a while and have enjoyed the order it has brought to my kitchen and shopping routines, but all the illness going around here has taught me that some flexibility is very necessary. A surprise trip to the doctor's office at 4pm followed by that time wasting conspiracy known as rush hour traffic means that the chicken that should have been seasoned and roasted at 4:30 to be on the dinner table by 6pm just isn't going to happen. Had I foreseen that my day would end with fluorescent lights, stethoscopes and oxygenation monitors, I would have popped it in the crock pot in the morning; but I didn't.

So, when this time of year rolls around, and you feel the urge to give your routine/house/classroom an overhaul, enjoy the stories and advice, the glimpses into someone else's life and the successes they are enjoying by figuring out what works best for them. If you feel inspired to try to incorporate them into your life, give it a the old college try but remember that while we are all made in the image and likeness of God, He isn't using a factory of mass production.

Divine Providence

Ever have one of those moments when you find yourself doing something while you wonder "why am I doing this" only to have the reason made perfectly clear to you later? That would have been me the other night. The boys were off to fencing for the evening, so the girls and I decided to head to the book store for some browsing and some hot chocolate. As we were driving to the store located in the ritzy neighborhood, I remember asking myself... why are you driving all the way over there? There was another store closer to the house but in the opposite direction with hot chocolate just as tasty. I really couldn't think of a good reason to be heading down the path I was and yet, here I was, on that road.

The girls and I decided to do our browsing first and after they chose a few items to peruse, we sat down. When I stood up, it felt like God had turned the knob all the way up on the gravity machine. Something was dragging me back down. Scary. I fought through it long enough to get all of us out of the store and my husband on the cell phone. He has had experience with these symptoms and thought I was probably on the verge of fainting so he told me to put my head between my knees and hang on; he would be there as soon as he could get the boys in the car. It took him about 10 minutes by my watch. Ten minutes to drive 1 mile mostly because of uncooperative traffic lights. The fencing club was that close. He came like a knight in a shining automobile with Gatorade already in hand (courtesy of my fencer who didn't get to finish his lesson). And even though she will never know this, I have tremendous thanks in my heart for the woman in the white SUV who watched me from her car until she saw him arrive.

Later that night, Shortcake felt bad. She thought that going to the bookstore was what made me sick and that we should have just stayed home. I told her about my doubts on the way there; that I thought we should have gone to the other store. I also shared with her that it was only in looking back on the situation that we could see God's plan. He guided us to the place closest to Daddy who was the only one who could take care of the situation in a simple way. Sure, an ambulance could have done the trick too, but I don't consider that a simple solution!

The story continues....

So, as much as I hate to go to the doctor, I had to concede that maybe it was time to give her a call. They were able to work me in yesterday afternoon. Feeling too scared to drive myself, Husband piled everyone in the van and drove us all down there. He dropped me off and then bravely took on the challenge of entertaining four kids all by himself. As we pulled up, we noticed some people standing across the street and down a little ways from the building I was heading to. We read their signs and saw that they were 40 Days for Lifers. So after he fueled the kiddos with a little ice cream, they went and prayed and held signs with them. The kids loved it! There were smiles and waves (frowns and revving engines, too) but the kids thought it was a blast. I could tell that Husband was also feeling energized and animated as he told me about their experience. They had planned on just saying "hello" but were handed signs and even took over by themselves until the next group arrived. We have been participating during this campaign by offering little sacrifices and prayers here at home, but hadn't expected to be able to participate in this way. What a blessing. I wish I could have been there with them.

When I look back on everything that has happened the past few days, it is easy to see God's hand. A hand that guided me closer to my husband both physically and spiritually. Thank you, Lord for your goodness and for bringing good out of what could have been a very difficult situation.



P.S. I just wanted to give everyone a heads up that there will probably be no coloring pages for this week or the next. I had one half-done for St. John Capistrano and if I get around to finishing it I will post it even though his feast day has passed. Next week we have Book Club, out of town guests, an All Saints Party, Shortcake's First Holy Communion and a family Sacrament Celebration for Shortcake and The Professor, Sunshine and their cousins who were Confirmed. I know. If you don't hear from me for a while, just say a prayer that the nice men in the white coats don't get stuck in traffic! Bye!

Never Forget

Love your children. Shake a fireman's hand. Hug a soldier's wife. Say a prayer for the lost and those they left behind.
Never forget.

Heavy Hearts

This father's story of the ultimate sacrifice of love must be told. What an amazing person was this man known as Pa Pa to the family that loves him. I never had the privilege of meeting him or any of those who knew him best, but his sacrifice has touched my heart and brought tears of sadness to my eyes more than once since yesterday.

Please pray for his wife, his sons, his daughters-in-love, his grandchildren, his friends and for those lives he touched.

Update from below

Confession time: Yesterday, I made a big mistake. Number 3 on my list turned out to be a great big bad idea for a couple of different reasons. First, I loved that movie. As a girl, I remember dancing around and singing the songs and just delighting in the characters and their stories. I remember thinking it was incredibly romantic when Hodel leaves for Siberia to marry Perchik with some vague feelings of "well that's sweet that she is going to miss her papa". But there are significant differences between my daughters and myself that I should have thought about. Maybe those three days of songs in my head were God's way of telling me to think it over. Obviously, I missed the message.

My daughters still cry when they think about growing up and leaving someday. Sunshine, not as much, but Shortcake is my sensitive little one who says that if she has to move out then she wants to live right next door and come visit us with her twelve children every day. I am totally in favor of the idea! But you see, I never felt that way about my family. Life wasn't always pretty there (as some of you know) and from my earliest memories, I dreamed of leaving. I tolerated high school always with an eye to college and getting out. I cried when I thought that I would have to go to school in town because that meant living at home. I know I am not the only one, but it never occurred to me that these experiences might have colored my perception of the things I enjoyed.

Also, for the first time, I watched this movie that was such an important part of my childhood, through the eyes of someone who truly loves and (mostly) understands her faith. I started thinking about half way through what if this was a story about a Catholic family? Slowly, each of the three daughters starts breaking away from the traditions of their family. Tzeitel and Motel gave each other a pledge, Perchik and Hodel dance together in the wedding scene inspiring others to as well after the Rabbi confirms it isn't a sin and then go on to engage themselves to each other without asking Tevye's permission to marry. But then there's Chava. She marries outside of her faith and Tevye draws the line. That is until their world is torn apart and they all have to leave. Acceptance is offered under his breath and everyone is satisfied. (Aside...if you are interested in the real story of Tevye the milk man, read Tevye and His Daughters. Chava returns to the family after her Russian husband beats her.)

The lessons here are valuable ones and even ones that I don't think the director necessarily intended (it was 1971 after all) but not ones that my daughters are ready for. When I heard Sunshine say, "but why can't he change his traditions for just one time" I realized it was time to turn it off. They wanted to know why Hodel left and what happened to Chava. We talked. They wept. We hugged.

We might be able to watch it together someday. The characters are still very rich and the music still makes me smile. The movie is the same, but I am changed. I don't know that I will be able to enjoy it with them the way I did as a child. And I'm OK with that. I kind of don't want to now.

Walking away from my past and the lessons I was taught was what I needed to do to become the person I am today. My children don't know that world and I thank God daily for the goodness of that gift!