Real Motherhood

*Melanie's comment on the post below reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend from church when I was relating Sunshine's comment to her. I'm glad I was reminded because I remember now that I meant to mention it along with that picture. I told my friend about my response to Sunshine's beautiful expression; how I was delighted to see her looking forward to the beauty of motherhood, as Melanie put it but how I also wanted to make sure she saw how hard taking care of a baby is to have a balanced perspective, not to scare her from the challenge, but to be better prepared for the realities of it. I wanted her to realize how I need every bit of help I can get from everyone in the family and sometimes that isn't enough to take care of it all. How taking care of a baby requires sacrifice that is repaid 10 fold in a single giggle or coo. How motherhood is tiring and physically painful sometimes but how I wouldn't give it up for a minute. That babies are hard work but that moments like the one she was having made it all worth it.

I told my friend that I remember being shocked by my first days/weeks/months of motherhood with The Professor and I wanted Sunshine to have a realistic impression, not my rose colored view. I think the tint of those glasses contributed to a lot of my grumpiness, frustration and even a bit of depression in those early days. I was a pretty miserable person to my husband, myself, yes even my first little babe sometimes. I hope that Cupcake's existence in our life will better prepare my older kids for those early days with their new families, should that be God's will for them.

My friend, the oldest of five, surprised me by agreeing that she too was caught off-guard by the full demands of motherhood. I guess it's true that noone is completely prepared when it's their baby and they are the primary caregivers. Whether it's the time that is no longer your own, the demands a baby places on you and the schedule of your day that is now at the mercy of the helpless little one in your arms or the complete mental and physical exhaustion that comes from trying to provide for all the needs and wants of a completely irrational little being, something is going to make you feel things you didn't expect to feel. It can make you feel rotten. Here is the fulfillment of years of heartfelt desire, to cradle this visible sign of your love in your arms, and yet you might be battling feelings of resentment and disappointment at the same time.

It's something that's not discussed openly especially in pro-life circles and when it is, it's most likely chalked up to post-partum depression. No one wants to give even the vague impression that they might be less than thrilled for even a minute regarding caring for this tiniest creation of God's unless it can be blamed on a chemical or hormonal imbalance. But shouldn't it be discussed more openly? There are aspects of motherhood that are really gross. Does anyone here joyfully look forward to a warm, wetness running down the space between (if you know what I mean) when your precious one spits up and the nearest burp cloth is in the laundry? Does anyone here happily leap out of bed to change a diaper at 2 am? Of course, we do it because the reward, earthly and heavenly, is worth it and so much more but that doesn't mean that we can't be real about our struggles without wallowing in them, or course.

We are all working on holiness, none of us is perfect and a feeling is a real thing to be acknowledged. It's an expression of our soul. It doesn't make us who we are nor is it the sum total of what we believe, but it is real. It's also something that we can't always control. It might be evidence of an area of immaturity or selfishness that should be addressed. It might just simply be a feeling that needs to be acknowledged before we can move on from it. I tell my kids all the time, especially in these hormonal roller-coaster years, "You can't always choose how you feel, but you can choose how you respond to those feelings and you can choose how they lead you to act."

My point in this long ramble is that I do want my children to see the beauty of motherhood and get to experience a taste of the delights. But I don't hide the tears. I let them flow when they come (much less frequently now) and I tell them whether they are happy or sad tears. Tears of tiredness, frustration or jubilation. I want to share it all with them each as much as they are ready to share in hopes that they will remember these days and be comforted by the memory of them when it's their turn.

Updated to add from the combox regarding loved ones who's disapproving looks at your family make you feel like you have to wear a perpetually happy mask:
 I know what you mean. Those people who love you but don't understand why you would "put yourself through this difficulty" and who's solution to the problem is to "make it easy on yourself and stop having so many kids". You know, those people would never tell an Olympic gymnast to stop exercising, stop getting up at 4am to practice so much, stop putting her body through all of that pain and anguish just to win a gold medal. Those people would probably admire her for her hard work and dedication. Just consider yourself going for the gold medal of motherhood. It takes work, pain, sweat and tears but the reward in Heaven will be worth it!

*Speaking of sweet Melanie, please offer a prayer for the repose of the soul of her grandmother and the grieving loved ones who will miss her.
 

Quiet

Someone sent me an email and mentioned that I've been quiet. She was checking up on me and poor dear, caught me on a really bad day but thankfully... God sent her into that situation to rally the prayer troops which she did and for that I am most grateful!

Things have been... OK. If you count a trip to the ER to rule out a possible infection and a waterfall of tears as... OK. First, let me just say that I am talking with my doctor about postpartum depression and keeping a close eye out for anything severe. I take that very seriously and would not hesitate to get help for it if my husband or doctor or therapist determined a need for it.

I have always struggled with postpartum emotions. It usually shows up as anxiety although after Shortcake, it was more like depression but not too severe. I so envy those moms who give birth and then sit back and bask in the glow of a sweet smelling newborn and just take it all in, every scent, every coo, every nuzzle. They might be tired from the lack of sleep, but other than being a little bleary eyed, they truly do enjoy their "babymoon".

I have never been that way.

I worry and fret and cry... a lot. Is she eating enough? Is she eating too much? Am I producing enough milk? Is she warm enough? Is she too warm? Is she crying because she's in pain? Did I do something wrong? All of my worst mothering insecurities come out in stark relief. This time around, with all the anxiety that happened prior to her birth and now with some of the minor complications we've had since she was born and the difficulty of a C-section recovery, it's been... significant.

And now we suspect that Cupcake has acid reflux. We'll be talking to the pediatrician tomorrow to see what he thinks. She's eating well and growing so I'm not worried about it, but it makes for a very fussy, frustrated little one. And that plays right in to all my fears and worries.

So, I'm a little quiet now because I'm processing it all out. I'm talking it out with my husband and some close friends. I also have my therapist on speed dial, just in case. And I'm also keeping my eye on this lovely prize:

Thanks again for your prayers and concern and thank God for friends who check up on you.

A quick "hello"!

We are not home yet, but Cupcake is doing fine. After spending about 24 hours under the bilirubin light, she is doing much better. After a sudden onset of preeclampsia and an unexpected C-section (my first) I am very anemic and still battling some high blood pressure. Please keep praying for our recovery! This has been quite an unexpected adventure but we are delighted by our "little bitty pretty one" and are relying on God's grace to keep getting us through.

And please excuse any pain medicine induced rambling. Her name is pronounced A-vil-uh Uh-me which looks a lot less pretty than it sounds!

Courage is Contagious

Part Three: Part One and Two


So what does a non-medicated treatment plan look like? Of course, it's going to look different for everyone. I can only tell you about what mine looked like.

There are a few things about a non-medicated treatment plan that you should be aware of before deciding with your doctors if it's right for you… it might take longer than you'd expect, it might mean much more frequent contact with your medical professionals than you'd expect and it might mean a lot more exercise/nutrition alteration/therapy than you'd expect. That isn’t always doable for everyone.

What do I mean by "it might take longer than you expect"? When I asked my doctor if I could do this without medication she very honestly told me, "Yes, but you can do it faster with medication." So I knew going in that it was going to take longer. How much longer? That's going to be different for everyone but it took about a month before I felt like the depression had completely lifted and that just left the anxiety to deal with which took significantly longer and is still something I deal with even today.

How much contact with a medical professional? I saw my doctor about every 3 months for about a year. I'll get to how often I visited the therapist later.

How much exercise? Every time I felt anxious. Every time I felt the beginnings of a panic attack coming on. Every time I felt a fluttery sensation in my chest. Every time I felt a tight knot in my stomach. Every time I caught myself pacing around the house. Sometimes, it was 3-5 times a day. But I'm talking about 15-20 minute little bursts. Leslie Sansone Walk Away the Pounds DVDs are wonderful. Talk a walk in your home if you can't get outside. Dance around the house, jump rope, walk around the back yard, anything that gets your heart rate up. When that starts to drop, your anxiety level will drop as well.

What kind of nutrition alteration? Again, it's going to differ for everyone, but for me, I quit caffeine cold turkey! Sorry, my coffee/Diet Coke loving friends, but it's a drug... in the same category as speed (amphetamines) or cocaine. It might be beneficial in small doses, but it can be addictive and so it should be used with moderation. If a friend you loved who's last cold was months ago told you she couldn't go to bed without her NyQuil spiked tea, that she couldn't even imagine tea without NyQuil or that she's just too awake normally and needs her NyQuil to help calm her down and get her brain ready for sleep, you'd be concerned, wouldn't you? Consider this a caffeine intervention!

How did I quit? Well, caffeine can trigger panic attacks. You have enough of those and you won't go anywhere near the stuff. You will even start calling companies to find out if their products contain caffeine and what levels. Chocolate (the darker the chocolate, the higher caffeine content) and all dark colored sodas with the exception of a few root beers have caffeine. Some drinks like Big Red and Mountain Dew have more than Coke or Pepsi.

If you love the taste of coffee, try decaf. The amount of caffeine in decaf is so insignificant. And don't tell me that you can taste the difference! Caffeine naturally tastes bitter. Barq's Root Beer adds it to their recipe to cut the sweetness. If you want bitter, there are tons of bitter decafs to choose from. Eight O'Clock would be my first suggestion!

Caffeine is addictive. It forces your brain to produce beta-endorphins. It blocks adenosine receptors in the brain causing your neurons to become more active. Then your pituitary responds to what it perceives as an emergency situation with a fight or flight adrenaline response. You can read more here. It's a drug. A socially accepted drug, but a drug none the less. And while it might be a mild drug, it does have side effects. If you think you are addicted, ask yourself if you're OK with that. Is it OK for this thing to have control over you or should you have control over it? I know that it can be used for medicinal purposes, but like all medications, it should be used in moderation.

I did not explore any other kind of nutritional therapy other than identifying other natural stimulants like cinnamon, for example, but Elizabeth has written up her PPD treatment plan and you might find that helpful.

How much therapy/spiritual direction? Once a week. For a few months. And I do believe that I might have begged for twice a week at one point. Then once every two weeks. For a few months. Then once every three weeks. For a few months. Then once a month. Then once every couple of months. And finally...only on an as needed basis. That much. And then, you might have other homework to do. Relaxation techniques, breathing techniques, aroma therapy, journaling, prayer... get ready to work!

Now, I get that this plan for treatment may not be doable by everyone out there. It's the treatment plan that worked for me. I am in no way trying to say that one size fits all. There are so many resources now, so many options. Find the one that fits you! Get help. Take care of yourself so that you can better care for those precious little ones God has placed in your arms!

Courage is Contagious

Part Two

I want to address something that Michelle rightly brought up in the combox of Part One. It is hard to tell the difference between the symptoms of PPD/PPA and just plain new mommy exhaustion. The sleep deprivation you go through in the last weeks of pregnancy (who can sleep well when they feel like a beached whale?) coupled with the endless nursing, changing, bouncing, swaying that a new baby needs usually means Mom is missing out on the luxury of sleeping a good, solid chunk of hours at a time. (Unless, of course, your baby is magical like my Sunshine was and slept 5 hours at a stretch every night from the minute we brought her home! I loved her for that!)


A trained medical professional can recognize the difference. In fact, they have a handy dandy little list of questions to ask to help them determine the difference. I know because I failed the exact same exam when both my doctor and therapist administered it. You would think I would have learned the right answers the second time I took it. : )

I encourage anyone who is struggling with what might be depression to ask their doctor or midwife to help them evaluate it. They are pretty straightforward, simple questions, but it makes a world of difference to hear them for yourself and to have to think about them and answer them honestly. Don’t go Googling them! Talk to someone you trust first!

My wonderful Catholic therapist helped me determine that in my case, the depression was probably a side effect of the anxiety disorder and I can’t tell you what a relief that was to hear. I know it sounds strange, but I was relieved to know that essentially I didn’t understand I had an anxiety disorder but that once I understood more about it and how to cope with it, I could be pretty confident that the depression would subside.

I can’t tell you how much I recommend finding a Catholic or at the very least, a Christian therapist. CatholicTherapists.com will help you locate one in your area. If you cannot find one close by, consider calling your nearest one to request a recommendation of someone in your area. It might not be a colleague on the Catholic Therapists list, but most therapists are likely to associate with other like-minded professionals. My therapist was so comforting during those first meetings, so good at incorporating my faith into my treatment and also very supportive of my preference to avoid medication.

Regarding the medication issue, I want to address this as openly as I can, but you also must realize that I have to maintain a certain level of privacy as well. Like I said in Part One, I am not opposed to the treatment of any kind of depression or anxiety including PPD/PPA with medication such as an anti-depressant or hormone therapy. However, in my case, a long family history of chemical dependency and problems with self-medication made me very hesitant to that course of treatment. Also, I have a sensitivity to certain medications. I did take one dose of a very mild anti-depressant and had a very bad reaction to it. My doctor agreed at 1 o’clock that morning that I should definitely NOT take another dose. I agreed. My preference was to try a course of treatment without any kind of prescription help with the understanding that both my doctor and my therapist would monitor my progress and be honest with me if they ever felt that I wasn’t getting better.

If anyone reading this tried a non-medicinal approach and ended up needing prescription interventions to succeed, then I join you in thanking God for the gift of modern medicine and for your success in battling this difficult burden. But, if you are afraid to get help because you think your only option is medicine and you believe you have serious reasons to try to avoid it, then I heartily encourage you to ask for the help you need from someone willing to listen to your concerns and someone willing to give you a chance. And keep asking until you find that person who will listen.

In Part Three, I will tell you specifically what a “non medicinal” treatment looked like for me.

Courage is Contagious

Part One

I've been participating in a discussion about Post Partum Depression/ Post Partum Anxiety over at F&F Live started by the courageous Kate Wicker and also over at Kate's blog. There are a few things I feel as though I need to say here in this safe, comfortable space. Maybe I need to get them off my chest or maybe someone needs to hear them.

Some of you already know that I struggle with an anxiety disorder. I've been through some really difficult times and still have moments when I recognize that certain corners of my mind are like a bad neighborhood that I shouldn't be allowed to wander in alone especially at night. While I was not diagnosed with PPD specifically, my most recent problems did begin when my youngest was 6 months old, although that wasn't the only contributing circumstance. Looking back on all of my post partum experiences, I can say with a good amount of certainty that I was suffering from various levels of PPD/PPA during all 4 with the most notable instances occurring after babies 3 & 4.

The discussion over at F&F has included stories of triumph over this illness using different prescription therapies like progestrone or anti-depressants. Women have also admitted to feeling as though their pride and fear kept them away from accepting the chemical intervention for longer than was good for them. That just breaks my heart. There is a certain stigma attached to the diagnosis and treatment of mental illness, which PPD/PPA is classified as and that needs to change. We need to do whatever we can to destroy that prejudice, especially in Catholic circles.

Why especially in Catholic circles? Because the guilt we inflict on ourselves can be overwhelming. As faithful Catholic moms, we are all trying to live a truly pro-life lifestyle and we are taught by our Church that children are a blessing to be cherished, welcomed and treasured. It's the Culture of Death that says babies are a burden, motherhood is a millstone, parenthood is something to be endured. When you find yourself sad, crying, miserable, angry, or anxious after giving birth to this helpless creature whose coos and gurgles bring you no joy, the guilt is crushing. 

Have I given into the culture of death mentality? I am a terrible mother. I am unfit for this noble vocation. Everyone else can handle motherhood just fine, why can't I? Was I just fooling myself? Am I going to break my children and damage them forever? Don't they deserve better than me? If I just prayed more, if I was a better Catholic, if I was a better person, I wouldn't have this problem.

Every woman thinking thoughts like these whether you have a newborn or not needs to know... that's not really you. That's not who you are! If you've recently had a baby, it might just be your brain's response to a chemical cocktail gone wrong. There are ways to come out of that fog. Ways to find your real self again. There are a whole host of ways these days to treat this illness, one of them is bound to work for you. I pray you have the courage to get the help you need and the support of people you trust. It's a tough road, but it's worth it!

(Next post I will talk a little about what worked for me.)